said "poem"

On Haiti

Heart-breaking, sad tears roll
Down my winter-dry cheeks
Leaving a trail

Trying to conceive
Of mass destruction
People crying in the streets

But my mind stops short
My heart runs from pain
Unable to bear the thought

Of a mother separated
From her son
While birthing another

Of people dying
From shock
Aftershock

Of women giving birth
On camera
While the world watches

In awe
In silence
In despair

Where, oh where is our God?
What, oh what will you do?
When, oh when will you come?

Please come.

Do you see the people?
IN THE STREETS
Wretched with despair

Our faith says “God cares”
Our church says “We care”
Our friends say “We’ll go”

And yet, here we sit
At the end of the day
Warm, well-fed and safe

TV turned off
Newspaper aside
In safety

Praying.

a poem

so it happened. dave used my poem i had written in a sermonette he preached on sunday at his church. this is a big deal and a great day for the two of us. for, it seems i have been recognized by the man i love as a writer. to some, this may seem trivial. but for me, it is a big deal.

if you love writing and identify as a writer, you understand how important someone reading and validating your writing is. for it is part of your identity. if you dread writing papers and think it is only something done by those who write entire books, etc. you may not fully understand how a writer's mind and identity work.

so anyways, i am excited and am hoping this recognition will continue to rejuvinate my writing. in blog world, in journal world, in poem world and most pressingly-in sermon world as i am preparing to preach on sunday.

i am so grateful.

Lost in Transition

My worst fears have come true, I've been lost in transition...wondering again about who we are and who are suppose to be. About six months ago, I finally did it. "It" being graduating from seminary. And as confusing as it is to me, my life is not at some sort of euphoric high and I don't all of the sudden live in a dream world. The truth about me is a work a fairly normal social work job, I'm happy sometimes, tired sometimes and am always coming to terms with the fact that life may be a bit more mundane than we all hope for. Well, maybe than I hope for at least. But, I have decided that in the midst of transition I have neglected some of my most dear passions. Writing and sharing it with others, running and sharing it with others and staying connected to like minded folks. I'm tossing all regret aside and entering in again to this writing world I love... just thought you should know. This lady's gotta write....

Affirmation

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to preach at Trinity, my home church. There are many things that were nice but one of the nicest things was that it felt like home. This is a new stage in my journey, to commit to a church and to be a part of it for better or worse. In commitment their is much freedom. I am so thankful. Also, Dave, my amazing boyfriend came to be a part of my preaching. What a gift. I am so thankful. And, the affirming people who are a part of my church, affirmed me. I am so thankful. Mostly, I am thankful for the opportunity to learn new things together as people who seek to live differently in this world. And I am thankful for this seminary journey I have been on. I'm so close. 

18 hours of supervised ministry 

8 weeks of class 

2 major research papers 

a few more online posts that i remember 

and then.... ahhhh..... i don't know what but something new :) 

I have learned many things but I have learned I NEED people, I NEED affirmation, I NEED commitment and I am capable of reconciling, capable of committing, capable of enduring really hard things and pursuing a goal when there is no passion to be found..... this is overwhelming to realize... hmm..... and I am thankful. 

Class started.

Yesterday, I got really excited for the first day of school and found a fun outfit, etc. All my positive energies were good but not maximized because my class was canceled. But, I think the momentum moved me in the right direction.

Class started today. I was interested. What we talked about mattered.

It has begun. And somehow that takes away some of my fear of beginning. Funny how that works.

Beginning the end

Friends,

It's been a minute. Absent from blog world, that's me. But, I missed you. So I will join back in. What a blessing to have an opportunity to write and share these thoughts. More and more acutely I realize, I am a writer. Somehow life makes more sense to me when I put my pen to the page or lazily type away. Not sure why this is. But it is. So I'll make a step towards reconciling with myself today and write.

Beginning. The End. That's kind of what I am afraid of. I'm going to begin my last semester of seminary and then it will be the end. What's written in between those pages will matter, I hope. So short and so quick. Why can't I embrace it or wrap my mind around it? Somehow I need to be pulled out of my denial and projected into real life. But, I can't seem to do this. Instead my days have been filled with reading, conversing and soaking in every last minute of free time. Yoga and short 6-mile race last Sunday invigorate my soul and I feel. That's it. I want to feel. And, I honestly don't know how to feel about beginning the end.

These last four years of seminary/Kansas City/life have been so hard. It's been a struggle the entire way. There have been limited times of relief and limited times of peace. It's required every part of my endurance and every bone of my marathon body. Really, is there truly relief and change in site? Is there the hope of something new? Why am I so afraid of something new?

It seems the very thing I have agonized through has become my pattern, my sameness, my way of life and its defined me. Somehow. What will define me next? Will I invest my energy and effort in relationships? Will I pursue a job, thinking it will satisfy? Or is my idea that things will change faulty?

People will still love me. My church will still be down the street from my house. Richardson's will still be in Michigan. My heart will still love the city and long for justice. My God will still be the lover of my soul.

I guess this is just how transition feels and I am reminded again that I am not invincible. How fun would that be anyways? This week I watched, "Equilibrium" with Dave. It was one of his fav's. Understandably. Basically, all the people walk around in this alternative society and take a drug that makes them incapable of feeling. Anyone who "senses" is executed. Yep, not reprimanded... executed. The movie plays out and the good people win. That's not really the point though. The point is I think I want that drug sometimes. I want to not be able to sense and feel because feelings are so intense and real and impacting and terrorizing, especially at night. Wouldn't things be better if I was numb?

No, no... they wouldn't. I would never get to feel loved by Wendie when she comes into the book store just to see me. Never would I cry over deep hurts or overwhelming joys. Laughter-it would be out, because nothing would strike me as funny. My head would never bow in church as I remember how great God's love is for us and how much we all forget. A wink would never connect two souls without a word because neither one of us would feel, at all.

So, I guess I just convinced myself that to fear or to feel numb or ecstatic or peaceful or sad a bit is all a part of the fun of it. Transition will come and go. Maybe I will learn to hike the trail, enjoying each plateau and working each hill with passion. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'm along for the ride. Will you ride with me? And I promise, I'll only ask "Are we there yet?" about 5 times after the beginning and before the end.

Language Matters

Our language matters to how we think or teach. There are no more "poor disenfranchised black kids" in the kingdom, there are children of God. As I find my identity first and foremost as a beloved daughter, sister and friend, so to the youth we do life with are beloved daughters and sons. 

(to be continued... but this is my thought of the week)