From Maya Angelou's "The Heart of a Woman"

The black mother perceives destruction at every door, ruination at each window, and even she herself is not beyond her own suspicion....Beyond her door, all authority is in the hands of people who do not look or think or act like her and her children. Teachers, doctors, sales clerks, librarians, policemen, welfare workers are white and exert control over her family's moods, conditions and personality; yet, within the home, she must display a right to rule which at any moment, a knock at the door, or a ring of the telephone can be exposed as false. In the face of these contradictions, she must provide a blanket of stability, which warms but does not suffocate, and she must tell her children the truth about the power of white power without suggesting that it cannot be challenged.

Almost Thirty

Opportunities to be seen scared me to death and still do. A stage full of people led to a day full of butterflies and lost appetites, a senior speech called for procrastination and only a little effort, what if they knew who I really was, how talented I was and passionate about all the intellectual yada yada, what would happen then? And now somehow I have started to realize this part of me I squashed in order to feel similar to the rest.

Truth be told, I’d rather write a story, read a book or learn about something which I never knew than watch a show, go to the movies or shop for hours looking for the latest fashion. Even though this is my tendency--parts of me love to find a bargain, can’t wait to learn a new recipe and delight in pretty things. It’s not that simple to become a lady and it’s way easier to hide. Hide my talents, hide my passions, hide my deep desire for faith, passion for community and Hope in what is yet to come.

Until now, I never realized but I join with most women who hide. I don’t hide because I mean to or because I think it’s right. I hide because it is the one thing amidst many confusing things which seem to be acceptable for being a lady. It’s seem everyone loves someone who is soft-spoken and doesn’t take up too much space. What if I start burst because all which I am holding within me is too good not to share. It’s like a colorful cake or a bouquet of flowers teeming with vivid color and life.

As it turns out, hiding deprives creation of the gift God has created in me. Hiding may seem like a way to "play nice" but it allows the most intricate parts of my humanity to waste away into nothingness, non-existence.

It takes away my song.

I’ve sometimes been told to be quiet, to not sing as much, to not share so much, to not offend or overwhelm and yet when I live like this-my dancing shoes put to the side-I might as well not be. Instead, with God’s help,I must start to embrace the intricacies and uniqueness of who I have been created to be.

These are my thoughts on almost thirty.

Encouragement on a blah week....

Last week was one of those sort of off weeks…you know, the one where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and you think, “Oh, tomorrow I’ll get out on the right side” and then it never happens. You're just rolling on throughout the week, slightly off but not able to put your finger on it… In the middle of those sorts of weeks I am always really thankful for kind people who seem to be a little bit of encouragement along the way.

One of those groups of people was the folks who gathered for the Communities Creating Opportunity rally held at Union Station which Dave and I attended. We were invited by our friend Will as a part of the Kansas City Urban Youth Center. We and another 998 people came together to hear about ways folks in our cities have been suffering and struggling. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I just want to go home and read a book or take a bath on a week night. It’s challenging to make myself present to the suffering in our city and our neighborhood but it is so important. We heard about how the state of Missouri allows pay-day loan companies to charge up to 2,000% on a pay day loan and how the average a person pays back on a pay-day loan in the state of Missouri is 450%. What?!

The organization CCO is working to put a cap on pay day loans. What good work and what a worthy cause. Besides the cause, the group of people gathered was breathtakingly beautiful. There were churches from Kansas City, MO and Kansas City, KS gathered together across the state-line, the mayor was present, school board members, pastors, Catholics, Methodists, illegal immigrants, students, young people and families. It was one of those moments when you realize this is what was intended. This group of people was meant to be together, peacefully, fighting for justice. It was encouragement in a very tangible form.

As if this wasn’t enough, when I arrived I saw my best friend in Kansas City, one of the professors from Saint Paul School of Theology, a student from Saint Paul, young people I have known since they were in elementary who are Student Leaders with the Kansas City Urban Youth Center, a Kansas City board member I campaigned with and lots more friendly faces. Therefore, this was a group of people who had found a way to not just invite the higher-ups, the elites who usually get invited to make change. Instead, all kinds of people were invited and all kinds of people attended. It seems to me our churches should look more like this than they do. How did they do this? They invited people to come and listen/hear about things which really matter and impact folk’s everyday lives: healthcare, debt, places to be, food, etc.

And there is one more person who was an encouragement along the way---Dave. When I came home all I wanted to do was chill and maybe go to bed early. I was less than interested in going to be with a group of people and yet, Dave-who knew I would be sorely disappointed if I didn’t go helped me get there by offering to run on the way there and hitch a ride back. What a guy?! I so appreciate him and his encouragement to me.
It’s in the blah week’s you really need those people/experiences in your life. And I give thanks.

Eyelash Flutter

Why does it take so long to still my soul?
Is it the sirens providing surround sound
Or does the internal noise drown out
The permission to rest
Reflection inches its way to the surface
Itching for a scratch
Space, to be
My soul stills for a moment
Only to be afraid of
The sense of worthlessness
It may feel if its not in
Constant motion
I crave to be trapped
Somewhere familiar
Without a car
No method of movement
Be it shoes or keys
Stilled anywhere
Long enough to experience
A slow, intentional
Eyelash flutter...

Dripping Off Green Leaves

It comes in the rain, dripping off green leaves
Hope
Finds
Its
Way
To
Me

It comes in the fields, corn threatening to burst
Into
Full
Yellow
Ears

Its comes from a cozy nights rest
His
Arms
Next
To
Mine

From the tears streaming down my face
Mourning
The
Loss
Of
Her friendship

From her brilliant white dress
As
She
Whispers
"I do"

From a cup of iced tea
Offering
Compassion
In
Her
Eyes

Hope
Finds
Its
Way
To Me
Even if I try to hide

This is good news

http://ncronline.org/news/peace/over-50-arrested-protesting-nuclear-weapons-plant?sms_ss=facebook&at_xt=4dc0696d18c95f5b%2C0

With thanks

During Lent, I have been gathered up with many in facing the struggle of sin--that which keeps my a part from God and others--and have been walking towards the cross where Christ died for this very sin. Somehow during the midst of the contemplating and walking, I have lost focus and started to turn inward to find my salvation. Of this, I am so ashamed. And yet--it is this very shame, Christ died for. Christ died for our sin and shame so we could live. So our futures are now gathered up with Christ. Our sin, our failure, our tendency towards self, is too much for us to bear. And so Christ's takes it upon himself to bear it for us and surrender with us "Not my will but thy will".

I confess--I keep struggling for my will to be what controls and dictates my life but softly, I feel Her beckoning to me....(for my image of God has become more like my sweet Grandma rather than an overbearing male dictator) to give it all up again and again and again because She loves me. In giving up my life and allowing God to work through the Spirit in me to fill me with Good leaving no room for selfishness, sin and slander--there is much Hope. But, I can't do this alone and I have not walked alone. I am in desperate need my friends and community in partnership with the Spirit to help me loosen my tight grip sameness and sense of control. Without the compassion of those who really know me and still think I am worth care and love and relational investment, I would have given up long ago on this Christ-ward jaunt.

Thankfully, they haven't given up on me. And so today, I want to thank them---those who have walked with me towards Christ this year---Nicole Morrow, Amy Stipp, Audrey Richardson, Wendie Wells Brockhaus, Libby Tedder, Janet Benefiel, Anne Hardy, Ron Benefiel, Deanna Hayden, Brandon McDonald, Megan McDonald, Laura Lyons, Liz McClure, Will Certain, Nicole Certain and the ever present examples of Betty Richardson, Lorna Holly and Doris Traver.

Without these folks I would have given up the journey and would have chosen isolation. Thanks be to God for these faithful folks who have seen me as God sees me, worthwhile, redeemed/being redeemed and being filled with Good making less and less space for that which sin. And of course, the gift of a fellow traveler on the journey--who will see my sin most closely and yet with God's help keep walking with me--David J. Spaite. Thanks be to God... I am blessed.