Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Lost in Transition
My worst fears have come true, I've been lost in transition...wondering again about who we are and who are suppose to be. About six months ago, I finally did it. "It" being graduating from seminary. And as confusing as it is to me, my life is not at some sort of euphoric high and I don't all of the sudden live in a dream world. The truth about me is a work a fairly normal social work job, I'm happy sometimes, tired sometimes and am always coming to terms with the fact that life may be a bit more mundane than we all hope for. Well, maybe than I hope for at least. But, I have decided that in the midst of transition I have neglected some of my most dear passions. Writing and sharing it with others, running and sharing it with others and staying connected to like minded folks. I'm tossing all regret aside and entering in again to this writing world I love... just thought you should know. This lady's gotta write....
Monday, February 23, 2009
Affirmation
Yesterday, I had an opportunity to preach at Trinity, my home church. There are many things that were nice but one of the nicest things was that it felt like home. This is a new stage in my journey, to commit to a church and to be a part of it for better or worse. In commitment their is much freedom. I am so thankful. Also, Dave, my amazing boyfriend came to be a part of my preaching. What a gift. I am so thankful. And, the affirming people who are a part of my church, affirmed me. I am so thankful. Mostly, I am thankful for the opportunity to learn new things together as people who seek to live differently in this world. And I am thankful for this seminary journey I have been on. I'm so close.
18 hours of supervised ministry
8 weeks of class
2 major research papers
a few more online posts that i remember
and then.... ahhhh..... i don't know what but something new :)
I have learned many things but I have learned I NEED people, I NEED affirmation, I NEED commitment and I am capable of reconciling, capable of committing, capable of enduring really hard things and pursuing a goal when there is no passion to be found..... this is overwhelming to realize... hmm..... and I am thankful.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Class started.
Yesterday, I got really excited for the first day of school and found a fun outfit, etc. All my positive energies were good but not maximized because my class was canceled. But, I think the momentum moved me in the right direction.
Class started today. I was interested. What we talked about mattered.
It has begun. And somehow that takes away some of my fear of beginning. Funny how that works.
Class started today. I was interested. What we talked about mattered.
It has begun. And somehow that takes away some of my fear of beginning. Funny how that works.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Beginning the end
Friends,
It's been a minute. Absent from blog world, that's me. But, I missed you. So I will join back in. What a blessing to have an opportunity to write and share these thoughts. More and more acutely I realize, I am a writer. Somehow life makes more sense to me when I put my pen to the page or lazily type away. Not sure why this is. But it is. So I'll make a step towards reconciling with myself today and write.
Beginning. The End. That's kind of what I am afraid of. I'm going to begin my last semester of seminary and then it will be the end. What's written in between those pages will matter, I hope. So short and so quick. Why can't I embrace it or wrap my mind around it? Somehow I need to be pulled out of my denial and projected into real life. But, I can't seem to do this. Instead my days have been filled with reading, conversing and soaking in every last minute of free time. Yoga and short 6-mile race last Sunday invigorate my soul and I feel. That's it. I want to feel. And, I honestly don't know how to feel about beginning the end.
These last four years of seminary/Kansas City/life have been so hard. It's been a struggle the entire way. There have been limited times of relief and limited times of peace. It's required every part of my endurance and every bone of my marathon body. Really, is there truly relief and change in site? Is there the hope of something new? Why am I so afraid of something new?
It seems the very thing I have agonized through has become my pattern, my sameness, my way of life and its defined me. Somehow. What will define me next? Will I invest my energy and effort in relationships? Will I pursue a job, thinking it will satisfy? Or is my idea that things will change faulty?
People will still love me. My church will still be down the street from my house. Richardson's will still be in Michigan. My heart will still love the city and long for justice. My God will still be the lover of my soul.
I guess this is just how transition feels and I am reminded again that I am not invincible. How fun would that be anyways? This week I watched, "Equilibrium" with Dave. It was one of his fav's. Understandably. Basically, all the people walk around in this alternative society and take a drug that makes them incapable of feeling. Anyone who "senses" is executed. Yep, not reprimanded... executed. The movie plays out and the good people win. That's not really the point though. The point is I think I want that drug sometimes. I want to not be able to sense and feel because feelings are so intense and real and impacting and terrorizing, especially at night. Wouldn't things be better if I was numb?
No, no... they wouldn't. I would never get to feel loved by Wendie when she comes into the book store just to see me. Never would I cry over deep hurts or overwhelming joys. Laughter-it would be out, because nothing would strike me as funny. My head would never bow in church as I remember how great God's love is for us and how much we all forget. A wink would never connect two souls without a word because neither one of us would feel, at all.
So, I guess I just convinced myself that to fear or to feel numb or ecstatic or peaceful or sad a bit is all a part of the fun of it. Transition will come and go. Maybe I will learn to hike the trail, enjoying each plateau and working each hill with passion. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'm along for the ride. Will you ride with me? And I promise, I'll only ask "Are we there yet?" about 5 times after the beginning and before the end.
It's been a minute. Absent from blog world, that's me. But, I missed you. So I will join back in. What a blessing to have an opportunity to write and share these thoughts. More and more acutely I realize, I am a writer. Somehow life makes more sense to me when I put my pen to the page or lazily type away. Not sure why this is. But it is. So I'll make a step towards reconciling with myself today and write.
Beginning. The End. That's kind of what I am afraid of. I'm going to begin my last semester of seminary and then it will be the end. What's written in between those pages will matter, I hope. So short and so quick. Why can't I embrace it or wrap my mind around it? Somehow I need to be pulled out of my denial and projected into real life. But, I can't seem to do this. Instead my days have been filled with reading, conversing and soaking in every last minute of free time. Yoga and short 6-mile race last Sunday invigorate my soul and I feel. That's it. I want to feel. And, I honestly don't know how to feel about beginning the end.
These last four years of seminary/Kansas City/life have been so hard. It's been a struggle the entire way. There have been limited times of relief and limited times of peace. It's required every part of my endurance and every bone of my marathon body. Really, is there truly relief and change in site? Is there the hope of something new? Why am I so afraid of something new?
It seems the very thing I have agonized through has become my pattern, my sameness, my way of life and its defined me. Somehow. What will define me next? Will I invest my energy and effort in relationships? Will I pursue a job, thinking it will satisfy? Or is my idea that things will change faulty?
People will still love me. My church will still be down the street from my house. Richardson's will still be in Michigan. My heart will still love the city and long for justice. My God will still be the lover of my soul.
I guess this is just how transition feels and I am reminded again that I am not invincible. How fun would that be anyways? This week I watched, "Equilibrium" with Dave. It was one of his fav's. Understandably. Basically, all the people walk around in this alternative society and take a drug that makes them incapable of feeling. Anyone who "senses" is executed. Yep, not reprimanded... executed. The movie plays out and the good people win. That's not really the point though. The point is I think I want that drug sometimes. I want to not be able to sense and feel because feelings are so intense and real and impacting and terrorizing, especially at night. Wouldn't things be better if I was numb?
No, no... they wouldn't. I would never get to feel loved by Wendie when she comes into the book store just to see me. Never would I cry over deep hurts or overwhelming joys. Laughter-it would be out, because nothing would strike me as funny. My head would never bow in church as I remember how great God's love is for us and how much we all forget. A wink would never connect two souls without a word because neither one of us would feel, at all.
So, I guess I just convinced myself that to fear or to feel numb or ecstatic or peaceful or sad a bit is all a part of the fun of it. Transition will come and go. Maybe I will learn to hike the trail, enjoying each plateau and working each hill with passion. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'm along for the ride. Will you ride with me? And I promise, I'll only ask "Are we there yet?" about 5 times after the beginning and before the end.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Language Matters
Our language matters to how we think or teach. There are no more "poor disenfranchised black kids" in the kingdom, there are children of God. As I find my identity first and foremost as a beloved daughter, sister and friend, so to the youth we do life with are beloved daughters and sons.
(to be continued... but this is my thought of the week)
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
"When I think of God, I just be smiling"
On Monday night I had the amazing opportunity of eating dinner with Ro, Johinese and Aaron (although he spent most of the time in his room crying because he didn't get the blue plate.. it's rough being 7). My neighbors from my apartment on Troost gladly welcomed me into their home. Why was I welcomed? It still amazes me. I called Ro on Sunday and asked if I could come over. She said I could, most definitely.
As I got off work, I called her to see if we were still on for hanging out on Monday. She said they were waiting for me. They were waiting for me. Do you know how good it feels to be someone who other people are waiting to see? Even as I am writing, my eyes are filling with tears and I feel happy. What an honor to known in this way? When I got to the Baudy's house, Ni Ni (Johniese) was waiting outside for me. She has gotten so tall. The first year I met Ni Ni she was 7 and about 2 feet shorter than she is now. I hugged her like crazy and she welcomed me into their home. Ro had been cleaning (the powerful smell of bleach gave her away).
We ended up just sitting and talking, catching up and laughing, sharing stories and eating. Corn, mashed potatoes and chicken were on the menu. I was invited to eat dinner with my friends. As I was sitting there, I was at home. I was at peace. Don't know if you're like me or not, but I am so often so self-centered and self-focused that it is rare for me to be able to sit still for more than 15 minutes without thinking about the 1,000 other things I should be, could be, would be doing. What a trap to live this way? There's another way right. My yoga instructor seems to think so (she's still my hero even though I haven't been able to go for about a month.... don't worry Ashley... I have not forgotten your healing ways).
This Saturday, I ran a half-marathon. Not sure why, but I am completely in love with running and with the feel of a race. It's like none other. Fall races are my favorite. If you've never tried one. You must. I wrote a whole story about the race but I figured I would spare you all. But it was great.
I am still trying to come down from the so-called "runner's high" (it's cheaper than weed folks and it feels really good :) Although the run was mentally intense and physically challenging, the best part of the race were all the people who were supporting me. Chelsea made me an electric tie-died shirt, Ryland dragged his Duke-sweatshirt outta bed, Jenny S. invited me to join them in their trek to the start, Jennifer (Jenny S.'s friend) ran with me for 11 miles and didn't leave me when I started to falter, Joel, Kelly, Ruby and company made a "Miss Diane" sign and cheered for me like crazy, Megan met me at mile 12.5, Montague joined in at 12.75 and friends awaited me at the end. Need I say more... I felt loved, cared for, remembered, thought of, not alone and hopeful... in the end I just smiled.
Back to my neighbor visit...
As Ni Ni was licking every last bit of her chicken off her fingers, she asked me what I was going to school for. I told her I studied the Bible and theology and such. She shot me an incredulous look and Ro and I started laughing.
But, wanting to take her seriously and not laugh at her fragile, courageous 11-year old self, I said, "Ni Ni, what were you thinking when I said that?"
"I was just thinking that's good. When I think of God and stuff, I just be smiling".
Always, this incredible little girl has blown my mind. Although the world and society has failed her, her God has not. Her God makes her smile. Her God is present. Her God is close. Her God knows her name.
And that's why I think I smiled at the end of my race on Saturday, on days like those I think my God knows my name too. Don't worry, I have my doubts and it doesn't take much to turn my smile into a concerned furrow but I long to have the child-like faith and the heart-felt response to the thought or mention of my God.
It seems to me children and my grandma get this. They seem to smile randomly to themselves or in a crowd. They don't need a fan club at a marathon to remember they are loved. They don't seem to need bells and whistles and they don't seem to be so thick-skulled. Maybe I can learn from them. Maybe rather than feeling obligated to fill my schedule with the right things and right people and right work it would be OK to just let myself gravitate towards them as I am naturally inclined to do. Maybe, just maybe.
As I got off work, I called her to see if we were still on for hanging out on Monday. She said they were waiting for me. They were waiting for me. Do you know how good it feels to be someone who other people are waiting to see? Even as I am writing, my eyes are filling with tears and I feel happy. What an honor to known in this way? When I got to the Baudy's house, Ni Ni (Johniese) was waiting outside for me. She has gotten so tall. The first year I met Ni Ni she was 7 and about 2 feet shorter than she is now. I hugged her like crazy and she welcomed me into their home. Ro had been cleaning (the powerful smell of bleach gave her away).
We ended up just sitting and talking, catching up and laughing, sharing stories and eating. Corn, mashed potatoes and chicken were on the menu. I was invited to eat dinner with my friends. As I was sitting there, I was at home. I was at peace. Don't know if you're like me or not, but I am so often so self-centered and self-focused that it is rare for me to be able to sit still for more than 15 minutes without thinking about the 1,000 other things I should be, could be, would be doing. What a trap to live this way? There's another way right. My yoga instructor seems to think so (she's still my hero even though I haven't been able to go for about a month.... don't worry Ashley... I have not forgotten your healing ways).
This Saturday, I ran a half-marathon. Not sure why, but I am completely in love with running and with the feel of a race. It's like none other. Fall races are my favorite. If you've never tried one. You must. I wrote a whole story about the race but I figured I would spare you all. But it was great.
I am still trying to come down from the so-called "runner's high" (it's cheaper than weed folks and it feels really good :) Although the run was mentally intense and physically challenging, the best part of the race were all the people who were supporting me. Chelsea made me an electric tie-died shirt, Ryland dragged his Duke-sweatshirt outta bed, Jenny S. invited me to join them in their trek to the start, Jennifer (Jenny S.'s friend) ran with me for 11 miles and didn't leave me when I started to falter, Joel, Kelly, Ruby and company made a "Miss Diane" sign and cheered for me like crazy, Megan met me at mile 12.5, Montague joined in at 12.75 and friends awaited me at the end. Need I say more... I felt loved, cared for, remembered, thought of, not alone and hopeful... in the end I just smiled.
Back to my neighbor visit...
As Ni Ni was licking every last bit of her chicken off her fingers, she asked me what I was going to school for. I told her I studied the Bible and theology and such. She shot me an incredulous look and Ro and I started laughing.
But, wanting to take her seriously and not laugh at her fragile, courageous 11-year old self, I said, "Ni Ni, what were you thinking when I said that?"
"I was just thinking that's good. When I think of God and stuff, I just be smiling".
Always, this incredible little girl has blown my mind. Although the world and society has failed her, her God has not. Her God makes her smile. Her God is present. Her God is close. Her God knows her name.
And that's why I think I smiled at the end of my race on Saturday, on days like those I think my God knows my name too. Don't worry, I have my doubts and it doesn't take much to turn my smile into a concerned furrow but I long to have the child-like faith and the heart-felt response to the thought or mention of my God.
It seems to me children and my grandma get this. They seem to smile randomly to themselves or in a crowd. They don't need a fan club at a marathon to remember they are loved. They don't seem to need bells and whistles and they don't seem to be so thick-skulled. Maybe I can learn from them. Maybe rather than feeling obligated to fill my schedule with the right things and right people and right work it would be OK to just let myself gravitate towards them as I am naturally inclined to do. Maybe, just maybe.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Trust
" Sarayu spoke, 'Mackenzie, you cannot produce trust just like you cannot "do" humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me." ~The Shack, pg. 26.
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