More like my chocolate-chip cookie Grandma...

Ok, so it's the end of August and I am getting ready to start school; my final year of seminary. Just the thought of starting school feels overwhelming. I don't know why. I know I can do it. I have done it before…. Or is that just it. Is it that I don't know what is next? The beginning again is really the beginning of an end for me. Whoah, everything within me wants to get online and look up programs of study. I know how to be a student, right. I know how to learn and struggle through school. There is something that is safe and warm about this place. I have been here before. When I think about the future I feel like a deer staring into the headlights of a car that is sure to kill it in a millisecond. Yes, part of me feels as if the future, no matter what it is, will kill me. Suck me dry. Take the life out of my being. Make me commit to something boring, hard, and tedious and not worth it. There's something wrong with this… yes…there is much which must change within me. When I think of the future, I am afraid, aware of all of my inadequacies and just sure that this will be the time where I will be screwed over for good and won't be able to get out. This is the kind of God I think I serve sometimes. I think I worship the God who desires my harm and pray to a God who desires to hurt me long before she wants to bless me. Hmmm….

Well, I am tired of praying to this God. I am tired of living in fear and acting as if anxiety is my duty. It takes away from pure and untainted laughter… it's the voice in my head while kicking a soccer ball with friends that whispers, "Shouldn't you be doing something else? How dare you enjoy yourself?" It plagues me on Friday night when I eat with friends and laugh with those I love. This… anxiety… I am done with it and yet… it seems I can't free myself. I, feel as Paul felt. You know, as if those things, which I don't want to do, I do and those things which I desire to do, I can't do. There is a war within me… but I believe peace is going to win. I really do. Anxiety only exists by not being peaceful… it can't have its own existence all by itself. I won't let it… so I plead for the Spirit.

I plead for the Spirit to wrap her arms around me and remind me I am loved. With my being embraced, my unbelief is smothered. With my being embraced, I can sing. With my being embraced, I can embrace others. With my being embraced, I do believe. I plead for the Spirit, to come and prune away the deadness in my heart and in my mind so I may be clean and fresh and ready to receive. I plead for the Spirit.

What do I mean by "ready to receive"? I am very sure I do not know how to do this. My dad was just in town and he lavished his love on me. Although he came bearing gifts and continued to give by providing for my physical needs, he lavished his love with his smile, his gifts of conversation, his hope for tomorrow, his acceptance of the past, his laughter and willingness to know me and discover with me who I am becoming and making way for who I have been to be left behind. He lavished his love by doing the everyday things with me with ease and extending himself to those I live life with for no other reason than that these people matter to me. I didn't know how to receive. I was sure there was something I should do or would be required to do in return. I don't think this was on his mind. I think, as much as possible, he was giving without asking in return. Wanting me to know his love for me in any way possible.

How can I receive this gift? It's too much. I don't deserve it. I might squander it; I might not be able to receive. How can I receive his gift of love? My being rejects it at first, feeling so unworthy. And then, slowly…. I attempt to open my arms.. so I may receive. It is the Spirit. Holding my arms open, convincing my intellect it will be ok. It's not logical. And it doesn't have to make sense…just receive, Diane. Receive.

But, I like for things to make sense. I like to feel in control by making absolutes and by creating no room for paradox to exist in my world. Both things can't happen at once. No… it must be "one" or the "other". My yoga instructor didn't seem to think this was necessary during our session this week. Instead, she said, we live in the midst of a tension. These are the two questions at hand: When do we push ourselves, put our nose to the grind and get on through? When do we show ourselves grace and peace by letting up, letting our bodies and our souls retreat?

When I thought about this on Tuesday night I realized there are not very many times in life when I think it is ok to give myself grace. There always seems to be a reason why I must push myself and why I must be a hero. Not just any old hero either…. I must be her hero… his hero… their hero. Not just a hero either, a super-hero. A super-human really. That's what I think I should be.

Where did I get this idea? Christ told his disciples that unless they became like little children, they would not enter into the kingdom of heaven. He not only admired their "child-like" faith, he endorsed it… pointed to it and said, and "This is it". This … child-like faith… is the high demand I place on my followers. This… child-like faith… is where my kingdom is found.

God, have mercy on your daughter tonight and always. I don't know how to be like a child. In some ways, I feel I have been like a grown-up for so long. How do I become like a child and trust? I don't know how and I am frustrated that I don't. But, you're more like my sweet, loving, inviting Grandma Betty with her chocolate chip treats than like my red-faced angry basketball coach from 10th grade, I think. Just please don't stop inviting me, please don't stop being patient with me. Please keep hoping with me that I too, will learn child-like trust.