Friends,
It's been a minute. Absent from blog world, that's me. But, I missed you. So I will join back in. What a blessing to have an opportunity to write and share these thoughts. More and more acutely I realize, I am a writer. Somehow life makes more sense to me when I put my pen to the page or lazily type away. Not sure why this is. But it is. So I'll make a step towards reconciling with myself today and write.
Beginning. The End. That's kind of what I am afraid of. I'm going to begin my last semester of seminary and then it will be the end. What's written in between those pages will matter, I hope. So short and so quick. Why can't I embrace it or wrap my mind around it? Somehow I need to be pulled out of my denial and projected into real life. But, I can't seem to do this. Instead my days have been filled with reading, conversing and soaking in every last minute of free time. Yoga and short 6-mile race last Sunday invigorate my soul and I feel. That's it. I want to feel. And, I honestly don't know how to feel about beginning the end.
These last four years of seminary/Kansas City/life have been so hard. It's been a struggle the entire way. There have been limited times of relief and limited times of peace. It's required every part of my endurance and every bone of my marathon body. Really, is there truly relief and change in site? Is there the hope of something new? Why am I so afraid of something new?
It seems the very thing I have agonized through has become my pattern, my sameness, my way of life and its defined me. Somehow. What will define me next? Will I invest my energy and effort in relationships? Will I pursue a job, thinking it will satisfy? Or is my idea that things will change faulty?
People will still love me. My church will still be down the street from my house. Richardson's will still be in Michigan. My heart will still love the city and long for justice. My God will still be the lover of my soul.
I guess this is just how transition feels and I am reminded again that I am not invincible. How fun would that be anyways? This week I watched, "Equilibrium" with Dave. It was one of his fav's. Understandably. Basically, all the people walk around in this alternative society and take a drug that makes them incapable of feeling. Anyone who "senses" is executed. Yep, not reprimanded... executed. The movie plays out and the good people win. That's not really the point though. The point is I think I want that drug sometimes. I want to not be able to sense and feel because feelings are so intense and real and impacting and terrorizing, especially at night. Wouldn't things be better if I was numb?
No, no... they wouldn't. I would never get to feel loved by Wendie when she comes into the book store just to see me. Never would I cry over deep hurts or overwhelming joys. Laughter-it would be out, because nothing would strike me as funny. My head would never bow in church as I remember how great God's love is for us and how much we all forget. A wink would never connect two souls without a word because neither one of us would feel, at all.
So, I guess I just convinced myself that to fear or to feel numb or ecstatic or peaceful or sad a bit is all a part of the fun of it. Transition will come and go. Maybe I will learn to hike the trail, enjoying each plateau and working each hill with passion. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'm along for the ride. Will you ride with me? And I promise, I'll only ask "Are we there yet?" about 5 times after the beginning and before the end.
It's been a minute. Absent from blog world, that's me. But, I missed you. So I will join back in. What a blessing to have an opportunity to write and share these thoughts. More and more acutely I realize, I am a writer. Somehow life makes more sense to me when I put my pen to the page or lazily type away. Not sure why this is. But it is. So I'll make a step towards reconciling with myself today and write.
Beginning. The End. That's kind of what I am afraid of. I'm going to begin my last semester of seminary and then it will be the end. What's written in between those pages will matter, I hope. So short and so quick. Why can't I embrace it or wrap my mind around it? Somehow I need to be pulled out of my denial and projected into real life. But, I can't seem to do this. Instead my days have been filled with reading, conversing and soaking in every last minute of free time. Yoga and short 6-mile race last Sunday invigorate my soul and I feel. That's it. I want to feel. And, I honestly don't know how to feel about beginning the end.
These last four years of seminary/Kansas City/life have been so hard. It's been a struggle the entire way. There have been limited times of relief and limited times of peace. It's required every part of my endurance and every bone of my marathon body. Really, is there truly relief and change in site? Is there the hope of something new? Why am I so afraid of something new?
It seems the very thing I have agonized through has become my pattern, my sameness, my way of life and its defined me. Somehow. What will define me next? Will I invest my energy and effort in relationships? Will I pursue a job, thinking it will satisfy? Or is my idea that things will change faulty?
People will still love me. My church will still be down the street from my house. Richardson's will still be in Michigan. My heart will still love the city and long for justice. My God will still be the lover of my soul.
I guess this is just how transition feels and I am reminded again that I am not invincible. How fun would that be anyways? This week I watched, "Equilibrium" with Dave. It was one of his fav's. Understandably. Basically, all the people walk around in this alternative society and take a drug that makes them incapable of feeling. Anyone who "senses" is executed. Yep, not reprimanded... executed. The movie plays out and the good people win. That's not really the point though. The point is I think I want that drug sometimes. I want to not be able to sense and feel because feelings are so intense and real and impacting and terrorizing, especially at night. Wouldn't things be better if I was numb?
No, no... they wouldn't. I would never get to feel loved by Wendie when she comes into the book store just to see me. Never would I cry over deep hurts or overwhelming joys. Laughter-it would be out, because nothing would strike me as funny. My head would never bow in church as I remember how great God's love is for us and how much we all forget. A wink would never connect two souls without a word because neither one of us would feel, at all.
So, I guess I just convinced myself that to fear or to feel numb or ecstatic or peaceful or sad a bit is all a part of the fun of it. Transition will come and go. Maybe I will learn to hike the trail, enjoying each plateau and working each hill with passion. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'm along for the ride. Will you ride with me? And I promise, I'll only ask "Are we there yet?" about 5 times after the beginning and before the end.
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1 comment:
I WILL ride with you! Or maybe kind of behind you, since you're in much better shape than me. Maybe we can just attach a side cart to your ride and I can sit in it. That would be fun.
Thanks for being my friend, and for exchanged hugs.
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