Almost Thirty

Opportunities to be seen scared me to death and still do. A stage full of people led to a day full of butterflies and lost appetites, a senior speech called for procrastination and only a little effort, what if they knew who I really was, how talented I was and passionate about all the intellectual yada yada, what would happen then? And now somehow I have started to realize this part of me I squashed in order to feel similar to the rest.

Truth be told, I’d rather write a story, read a book or learn about something which I never knew than watch a show, go to the movies or shop for hours looking for the latest fashion. Even though this is my tendency--parts of me love to find a bargain, can’t wait to learn a new recipe and delight in pretty things. It’s not that simple to become a lady and it’s way easier to hide. Hide my talents, hide my passions, hide my deep desire for faith, passion for community and Hope in what is yet to come.

Until now, I never realized but I join with most women who hide. I don’t hide because I mean to or because I think it’s right. I hide because it is the one thing amidst many confusing things which seem to be acceptable for being a lady. It’s seem everyone loves someone who is soft-spoken and doesn’t take up too much space. What if I start burst because all which I am holding within me is too good not to share. It’s like a colorful cake or a bouquet of flowers teeming with vivid color and life.

As it turns out, hiding deprives creation of the gift God has created in me. Hiding may seem like a way to "play nice" but it allows the most intricate parts of my humanity to waste away into nothingness, non-existence.

It takes away my song.

I’ve sometimes been told to be quiet, to not sing as much, to not share so much, to not offend or overwhelm and yet when I live like this-my dancing shoes put to the side-I might as well not be. Instead, with God’s help,I must start to embrace the intricacies and uniqueness of who I have been created to be.

These are my thoughts on almost thirty.